#And I remember summers that didn't have us constantly have over 30° degrees

[wesavegotham]

I don't understand people who get mad at climate protesters. Like, how can you not realize that even in my not too long lifespan (25 years) climate has changed at a lot and the world seems to be either burning of flooding.

And no amount of ignorance and denial in favor of capitalism is going to change the fact that this way of living isn't sustainable.

[fairy-ganj-mother]

...

when I was young, and especially when I was doing lots of drugs, I was so sure I was flipping the script, acting out and rebelling, questioning everything, and forging my own path. was I, though? in reality, I did exactly what everyone expected of me, i followed the story i was always told. went to college, got a science degree, found a stable husband, bought a house before 30 despite the crazy political and economic climate..... now staring down my 30th birthday in 116 days, I wonder if I can finally start living for myself. thinking outside the box. working towards my real life goals (growing plants and generally being a garden/kitchen witch, making music, with the love of my life and our cat) and focus on creation and feeling rather than what I "should be" and "should do". is should the enemy of will? does "should" place pressure and blame in ways that "will" can simply encourage or motivate? is "should" a word of reacting and "will" a word of creating?

also thinking about my mom. ugh I really wish I had put all this in my actual journal. would it be insane to print this and put it in my journal bc I might? anyway. thinking about her selfishness and how it's shown me that she doesn't value me the way one expects a mother to love or respect or value their child. she got a new truck again? another 60k down the drain? meanwhile she will say she can't contribute to my wedding. I've been with my fiancé since 2015; she has had plenty of time to plan or save. she's always told me she's going to contribute, and now that it's finally time, she weirdly doesn't want to talk about wedding stuff at all. not that we can afford a wedding in her lifetime without her support.

this reminds me of when she promised to pay for my dental implant as a college grad gift and then used that money on a cruise. my teeth are still fucked up and my bridge that was meant to last five years has been in for 12, with no improvement on the horizon. she put me in this position and left me stuck there.

I want to elope partially bc I think it would make the most sense, and a small part of me wants to do it to spite her. she was so pissed when my stepsister eloped with her long-time boyfriend (like over 10 years and they got together in HS), and that wasn't even her kid. but if she wants to blow money on a truck and cruises and generally selfish shit she doesn't need instead of helping her only remaining child achieve life dreams (wedding) and with physical/medical needs (tooth implant is one small example of this unfortunately...there are worse examples like not helping me find doctors and answers for my chronic pain at 20....still on her insurance...she works in a medical profession...) then maybe she doesn't get to attend a wedding for me (bc I can't afford it and won't have one, not bc she wouldn't be invited. I'm not that cruel).

also, since I'm at a bit of a career nexus rn, I was thinking about the Rodale job I "didn't get...." again. and how that internship 10 years ago would've put me at this current point in my career almost a decade sooner. and then I found a post where I was angry that my mom MADE ME TURN DOWN THE RODALE JOB. I created a false memory of not getting it. I did. she made me turn it down to go on a vacation, and all I remember of that vacation was watching orange is the new black on my laptop alone in a guest room. then she was so pissed i didnt have a job the rest of the summer even though who tf was gonna hire me for 6 weeks after her stupid ass vacation??? she probably thought she could get me to drop out of school or transfer to the local campus on her whim.

she has tried to ruin my life time and time again and told me it's my fault. not giving her my wedding day or children is the least I can do for her after she's basically been awful my whole life. this isn't even getting into her racism and classism that made her decide sending me to 4 different non-local elementary schools in 5 years was normal and good. constantly being new, never having any friends, and being isolated in our neighborhood bc we didn't go to school with the neighborhood kids absolutely fucked up my sibling and me. and my sibling isn't even alive anymore to commiserate with me over this weird shared experience that our mom put us through. which my mom also has a million bullshit theories and stupid musings about since she can't accept that my sibling was trans and suicide attempts are unfortunately common when people don't get the care they need and deserve.

I had the thought that I wonder if she's ever lied to me, to protect me. I really don't think so, though. the thought flickered across my mind that I honestly don't think she's smart enough. I think she continuously hurts me because she's too stupid not to, to mind her words and actions, to ever consider me before herself like mothers are supposed to do for their children. she can act shocked my sibling felt unsupported, but the support she offers is laughable at best; it's straight up harmful at its worst since she can't see through her self-absorption.

I'm writing all of this outside. the wind just picked up as I got worked up and slowed when I noticed and took a few deep breaths. the coincidence spooked me, but it's unseasonably warm, 60° F on a late February morning before 10 am. usually, those kinds of temperature changes bring crazy winds to the front range of colorado. I remember ghost stories of the old west as a kid and "the whipping wind driving people mad." I never understood it until I lived in colorado, but the wind has threatened my sanity several times since we moved here four summers ago now. today will be a headphones on, world off kind of day, I suppose.